Whether real or imagined, revenge only breeds more pain.

The Single Most Destructive Attitude We Can Have – Part 2 – Resenting People

It’s true – “To err is human,” and to be wounded by humans is equally unavoidable. I’ve never met a cancer patient who hasn’t endured a thoughtless comment, gross incompetence, or the neglect of friend or family. It’s easy to develop resentment, especially when you’ve never been more reliant on others’ support. So how do you handle the emotional scars of your battle?

Consider Job’s situation. I wonder which aspect of his living nightmare was most painful. Was it losing all ten of his children, his livestock and his servants in a single day? Was it the tormenting boils that covered his skin from head to toe? Or was it the counsel of “friends,” who insisted the calamities were God’s payback for his sin?

Interestingly, before God restores Job’s health, family and fortunes, He asks him to pray for the well-being of his friends, releasing them from the scars they inflicted. After all, the Lord did not want Job’s nightmare to continue. Whether real or imagined, revenge only breeds more pain. So don’t release the Kraken… on yourself! As the Lord clearly warns:

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. – Ephesians 4:26

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. – Hebrews 12:15

So how do we get free of resentment? Keep in mind the second half of the old adage, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” As with all matters of righteousness, we are powerless to produce forgiveness. Yet at our invitation, the Lord can extend His grace in us and through us toward others. So turn to Him for the power to forgive.

Next time we’ll discuss the resentments that can spring up while taking care of others. For more on how to forgive – check out my Bible study on Forgiveness.

Father, grant us the grace to forgive others, just as You have forgiven us in Christ.

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All materials in this blog copyright (c) Joe Fornear. Scripture quotations from the NASB.

While fighting cancer, caretaking, or just navigating everyday hurts, one attitude will bring more pain and sadness into our lives than any other – resentment. I know this from years of pastoring; counseling patients, caretakers and married couples; and of course observing the disastrous impact of my own bouts with bitterness.

In future posts, I will address resentments toward others, toward the sick people we care for, and even resentment toward ourselves. Yet first I want to focus on an unexpected target of resentment – God.

Resentment Toward God

Perhaps you’ve lashed out at God, or witnessed someone rail against Him, yet often resentment toward God is more subtle. Now I’m not backtracking from my theme from last week – that grieving and mourning loss is appropriate. Again, King David, Job, and Jesus all lamented their circumstances. But there is a line we can cross from grief into resentment. Despite a flood of anguish from devastating personal tragedies, Job managed to walk the line: “Through all of this Job did not sin nor did he blame God” (Job 1:22). In other words, Job did not charge God with being evil or unjust. How do we recognize the lines?

• Demanding answers from the Lord as if we are the final judge of Him.
• Commanding the Lord to change a situation because we “deserve it.”
• Numbing ourselves to Him – shutting Him out of our lives. I must admit at points during my battle with Stage IV metastatic melanoma that in my disappointment, I shut God out (more on this in my book, My Stronghold). In the final analysis, passive indifference is not much better than open defiance.

So what do we do with resentment toward God? Admit and confess our feelings to Him and a trusted person. Ask Him to help us release all bitterness and to help us resolve the tensions that led to the bitterness in the first place. When we let go of rotten anger, we may begin to make sense of His purposes for allowing hardships… and to feel His soothing love again.

Father, thank You for Your graciousness in overlooking our bitterness, and for helping us to resolve it in a healthy manner.

In my posts, I mostly address needs of cancer patients. That’s because I know that experience well. It’s not because I think they’re the only ones impacted by cancer! So this week I conducted a caretaker survey in hopes of identifying their greatest needs. Actually, I only interviewed one caretaker, but she’s a very good one ­– my wife, Terri. I asked what advice she would give to those who want to help a helper. Feel free to respond back or comment with your thoughts. Terri’s input: “First, just listen. Then, let me grieve. Then, cast the burden on the Lord together.”

Three ways to take care of a caretaker – with my comments:

1) Listen.
Ecclesiastes 3:7b – “A time to be silent and a time to speak.”

When caring for caretakers, resist the temptation to be profound. Sometimes we try to alleviate deep pains and life-threatening concerns with a spiritual platitude or two. Even if true, these attempts fall flat as people tend to minimize the severity of a medical prognosis or the turmoil they bring. Many times it is more about timing. Caretakers will usually care to listen when care has been shown through listening.

2) Let me grieve.
Matthew 5:4 – “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

There are monumental life events for caretakers and their families which are lost forever in the midst of a cancer battle. Mom, Dad or both may miss a first grade graduation party; or miss an entire season of their child’s sporting events; a wedding or a funeral, like I missed my dad’s. Students’ grades suffer. Incomes decline just as expenses increase. Holidays are shrouded by sadness. Caretaker’s needs go unmet as attention is focused on the patient’s survival. So do not gloss over these losses. When a caretaker recites them, they are not engaging in self-pity, they are processing reality. In fact, when grievances are not validated, self-pity is more likely to result.

3) Cast the burden on the Lord together.
Galatians 6:2 – “Bear one another’s burdens.”

After listening and validating the pain and concerns of a caretaker, now it is time to cast these on the Lord – together. A burden shared is a burden lightened. He cares for us deeply and prayer really does make a difference. Philippians 4:6–7 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Do you know a helper you can help today?

Caretakers – what would you add to this list?

Father, thank You for providing people to help us when we suffer! Train us to see their needs — not as an after-thought — but as a primary focus of our concern.

He raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.
- Ephesians 2:6

It seems fitting on April Fool’s Day and the day after Easter, to emphasize an overlooked benefit of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Some might say it is too good to be true, but though today is 04-01-2013, this is no April Fool’s Day message.

Most Christians agree that when He rose, He defeated our most formidable enemy, death, but also the lesser enemies of fear, worry, sin, demons and satan. These all have been rendered powerless over us… unless of course we unnecessarily yield to them. Ephesians 3:18-21 lays out this victory won for us through God’s raising of Jesus:

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might which He brought about in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church, which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

But as the infomercial guys say, “But that’s not all — there’s more!” The Father not only raised Jesus to be seated at His right hand in the heavenly realms, He also raised and seated all future believers in Christ, which means we who believe now:

He raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus - Ephesians 2:6

So what does this mean for us? The significance of Jesus’ seating at the right hand of the Father was about His authority over enemies. The same is true for us, if indeed we’re seated with Him and we are! We have been given the authority and the ability to say no to fear and worry, temptation and sin! We have access to the exact same resurrection power so that we can have the strength to rise above our circumstances! Perhaps we should reserve Easter Monday to celebrate our seating with Him in the heavenly places! Will you join me?

Father, cause us to grasp and claim all that You have said and written about us. Help us trust Your Word above our feelings or experience to embrace the total deliverance You have freely given us in Jesus Christ!

I remember the fall, watching the tree in my backyard drop its leaves.

I love the lessons of that time of year.

I love nature doing what is natural.

I love watching winter do its job.

I don’t love this same “act” in my own life.

This act of letting go… of things I love.

The season of winter.

I’m not always sure why I have to do that.

It’s the season which magnifies how really out of control I am.

The Lord adds His quiet voice to this process of letting go – He has taken the fear out of it for me.

He adds, “Let go to Me, Terri.”

That thing I’m clinging to… isn’t really gone, it’s put into the hands of the One Who gives His life to it

in a way that keeps it safe from my worship and control.

My control that doesn’t have the ability to let it grow bigger than my own imaginations.

He then takes it and His fingerprints are all over it

He rewards what only faith can create – a smile on His face and my release,

which sets me free to see His reality in my little world.

Spring is in blossom!!

Father in heaven, as much as I can, I let go of the people, things, and ideas that I think I can manage better than You. Thank You for sending Jesus to love me and help me let go to Your abundant love.

If the axe is dull and he does not sharpen its edge, then he must exert more strength. Wisdom has the advantage of giving success.
- Ecclesiastes 10:10

As a favored son of King David, Solomon probably didn’t spend much time chopping wood. Yet as the wisest man who ever lived, he certainly grasped the concept of working smarter not harder. The sharper one’s axe, the more effective each swing will be. In my younger years, as a carpenter and remodeling contractor, I bulled my way through construction projects. Yet as the physical wear and tear increased, I grew to appreciate the wisdom of using sharpened  tools. At the end of the day, I accomplished more and had energy to spare.

What is true with cutting firewood and building houses is true of fighting cancer or handling any trial in life. At first during my own cancer battle, I tried to gut it out, blasting through pain and ignoring my body’s signals to ease up. The result was infections, exasperated doctors who were only trying to help me, and unnecessary setbacks in my treatment plan.

The Lord’s wisdom eventually broke through to me. Anger, denial and control had been dulling my coping skills, forcing me to fight so much harder. As my battle and the stakes intensified, the sharp tools of surrender and patience allowed me to cope so much better. Relying on my own human strength was not working out so well, so learning to draw on His supernatural strength became a necessity.

 
To sharpen your coping skills, we recommend our book, In His Grip, Meditations with the Great Physician.

Lord, help us be wise about how we fight; give us Your supernatural skills to cope with our battles.

Love him or not – Lance Armstrong, the cyclist and cancer survivor, has helped a ton of cancer patients. His contribution to my recovery from Stage IV metastatic melanoma goes way beyond inspiration. He raised funds for a Novalis^TM shaped-beam radiation unit for the Richardson Regional Hospital where he was treated. At the time, there were only six Novalis^TM units in the world. I had this radiation treatment at this hospital and it knocked out a life-threatening mass that was enveloping my pancreas. So I’m very grateful to Lance, and recognize him as one of the many variables the Lord used to save my life.

As I write today, my intent is not to beat up on Lance, but to remind myself and all who read of a key lesson that emerges from his journey.

Lance once wrote that having a 40-50% chance of survival brought him hope, as it was so much better than having a 4-5% chance. I know the hopelessness of devastating odds. In May of 2003, my doctor gave me a 0% chance of making it through the week. Yet now as fellow survivors with Lance, in a strange way, I now hold an advantage.

After surviving cancer, he created the legend of Lance Armstrong, the ironman who “lives strong.” First he beat cancer, and then he climbed the mountain of cycling fame. He won one of the most grueling sporting events known to man, the Tour de France, not just once, but a superhuman seven years in a row. What a story! And now that we know the full story – what a tragedy. At Lance’s own admission, the legend was built on cheating and lies – he used banned drugs to win. Consider his narration of a famous Nike commercial he made back in 2001:

“This is my body, and I can do whatever I want to it. I can push it. Study it. Tweak it. Listen to it. Everybody wants to know – What am I on? I’m on my bike, busting my butt six hours a day. What are you on?”

By contrast, when I survived my impossible ordeal, the role I played in my survival was crystal clear to me. I knew very well that I did not “beat” cancer. My faith was weak at best; even absent on occasions. My strength sputtered during recuperation from my third surgery to remove one-third of my stomach, and it abandoned me at the news my dad had died of the same disease we both had been battling – melanoma. I was forced to accept that I was still too weak to travel to his funeral in another state. Still, it was a major blow to my macho pride.

This machismo had been crafted over the years in sports, hunting and fishing, and construction work. I thought I was pretty darn tough – until I was confronted by my own serious limitations. The sooner I acknowledged these limits, the sooner I could get the necessary help from God and man; and be freed from the trap of trying to create my own version of a legend.

It’s hard for me to judge Lance. Had I been in his shoes, I may have followed the same mountaintop path to vain glory that he chose. As I watched him confess before the world, the takeaway for me was the theme of our books and our ministry: It’s okay to be weak. Admitting weakness will make us strong as we lean on the Lord.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves. - 2 Corinthians 4:7
Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

“Live weak” doesn’t sound so catchy; nor does it stroke the human ego. Yet it is more realistic, and certainly more freeing. As Lance’s wife told him long ago, “The truth will set you free.” His strength goes a lot further than ours in this marathon we call life.

My hope is that Lance – and all of us – will find the One whose strong hold makes all of the difference in this  life and the next.

Lord, help us be realistic to embrace our weaknesses and limitations so that we can find true and lasting strength in You.

I’ve got a bad habit that I’d like to break in 2013. When I return home from grocery shopping or errands, I try to carry too many items from the car to the house. I’ll stack things, squeeze them under arms, and grab as many grocery bag handles as possible – just to save a minute or two.

This habit has proven costly. Recently my cell phone squirted out of a pile, flew through the air and landed squarely on the pavement. The screen was hopelessly shattered. I need to let the lesson sink in – there are limits to how many items one can carry.

What is true for physical limits “carries” over to spiritual and emotional limits. We can only haul so many burdens before control squirts out of our hands. Nerves shatter. Tempers are lost. We stumble under the weight.

As usual, the solution is simple, yet profound. There is a loving, very capable God Who can carry ALL of our burdens.

“Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”  – 1 Peter 5:7

Our imaginations, insecurities, and internal and external voices may seek exceptions. I struggled with eliminating exceptions during my battle with Stage IV metastatic melanoma. Yet there is no circumstance the Lord cannot handle. It truly is easier than we think – when we let Him carry the load.

Lord, give us eyes to see how much bigger You are than our problems.

“The cattle are lowing, the poor Baby wakes, but little Lord Jesus, no crying He makes.”
– Away in a Manger

How soothing and serene. What would Christmas be like without the beautiful song, Away in a Manger? Yet the lyrics include an interesting take on Jesus’ emotions and tears. The songwriter seems to suggest that because He was the little Lord Jesus that He did not cry when startled by the cows. I’m going out on a limb here to say that Jesus probably cried as an infant. He certainly shed real tears in His adult life, so why would crying as a baby be a problem?

Jesus wept. – John 11:35

In the days of His flesh, He offered up both prayers and supplications with loud crying and tears to the One able to save Him from death, and He was heard because of His piety.
- Hebrews 5:7

I point this out because crying is sometimes equated with being weak or negative. This is probably even more true at this time of year when there is pressure to be merry and happy. Yet a good cry can be cleansing to the soul. A release of built-up and harmful emotions can be a positive step toward serenity.

Now I realize that some of you are probably wondering how to stop crying. I struggled with excessive tears and self-pity during my cancer battle. Keep in mind the holidays are notorious for drawing out some blues in many of us. All I can suggest is to not focus on trying to make ourselves happy. Focus on the One Who not only shed tears for us, but shed His blood for us as well. He is always “large and in charge.”  I believe Jesus cried on Christmas and He is not judging our tears.

Lord, help us release our emotion to You as we know You hear the cries of our hearts.

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. – 1 Corinthians 10:13

Does God ever give us more than we can handle?

Yes and no. Yes, He allows us to experience more than we can handle in our own strength, but no, He never gives us more than we can handle in His strength.

Life can be so challenging – even when we’re healthy. But when we’re fighting cancer or a life-threatening disease we can quickly come to the end of our strength. I was confronted by my utter weakness during my battle with Stage IV melanoma. Under the continuous barrage of physical and emotional stress, my natural human strength leaked out in a hurry. Actually, we were never designed to live even one moment apart from the Lord’s strength – whether sick or healthy! This is why Jesus said, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

Yet, thankfully, He has not left us powerless. He offers His Holy Spirit to those who receive Jesus Christ as Savior (more on receiving Him here). With the Spirit’s supernatural help, we are enabled to cope with circumstances that are humanly impossible.

So how do we tap into the Holy Spirit’s power? Simply turn to Him and ask Him to fill you up. He is eager to empower us. Luke quotes Jesus in 11:13, “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?” He also commands us to be filled with His Holy Spirit in Ephesians 5:18, so He will certainly help us figure this out: “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.”

This constant dependency on His Spirit must occur on a conscious level. He wants us to be clear on the source of our strength lest we be confused as to where our power ends and His power begins. Our power is limited – His is not.

So when it seems you’re running on empty and He has given you more than you can handle, ask Him to fill you to overflowing with His Holy Spirit’s power. He’ll do it and you’ll find yourself strengthened for each day’s journey.

Lord, help us transition from depending on our strength to living through Your amazing power.