I wrote previously about trying too hard to keep life “normal” for my kids during my cancer fight – Just Breathe – You Go First. My immune system became compromised and I developed a bad infection, which didn’t help anyone! I needed to pace myself so I could truly help my kids in the long run. Which brings me to the topic I promised last time. I’m often asked this question in varying forms in correspondence with folks through our cancer and support ministry, Stronghold Ministry:
How much should I shelter my kids from the difficulty and gravity of our cancer battle?
Now I realize every child is different, and age appropriate adjustments must be made in considering any advice. Also, my kids were 15 and 16 at my diagnosis, so my firsthand experience with younger children is limited. So that all said, here are five general principles for overwhelmed parents fighting cancer in the family:
1) Kids will have problems no matter what you do or how you parent! Even God, the perfect Father, had a couple of kids in the perfect environment who developed issues! So don’t blame every issue on yourself or the cancer – every kid has some. Now I’m not denying that cancer is a major hurdle, but we don’t want to give it too much credit, or grant it more power than God!
2) If kids are going to develop compassion, concern and flexibility, they need to practice with their own family. How does it benefit them if we shield them from opportunities to serve others who are really in need? Even small children understand, “I’m not feeling good, and I really need your help right now, can you help me and take care of yourself by picking up your toys.” ALL kids need to learn basic life skills, and perfect environments are no predictor of future good behavior. We all know kids who had everything growing up, and were still not equipped to handle life in mature ways. When they first did that “Biosphere” dome project to create the perfect environment for plants and humans, the trees grew up and promptly fell right over. You know why? Zero wind! Without wind, the trees had no stability. Life’s turbulence gives us stronger roots. Let’s allow our kids to feel the wind and develop the roots!
3) Parents may try to shield kids from the gravity of a situation, but eventually they will find out your story from someone else. Yet then the child often feels guilty they were having so much fun, or even betrayed that they weren’t entrusted with the knowledge that seemingly everyone else knows! During my battle, this happened with our son, and he was upset. I evidently was too postivie with him and he was not prepped well.
4) Be transparent about your limits AND God’s limitlessness! God is bigger than cancer – way bigger! And though some claim to have kicked cancer’s butt, not all cancers are the same, and some cancers are way bigger than humans! This is a great time to teach a child dependence on the Lord for those things in life which are bigger than us! Jesus said, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5) And Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13). All kids need to learn this eventually. We can model and instill both dependence and confidence in the Lord.
5) If God’s grace is truly sufficient and it is (2 Corinthians 12:9), it’s guaranteed that He will take care of your child if you, your spouse, or one of their siblings passes away. This is by far the most common fear and parental concern of all, especially in advanced stage cancer cases. We have a tremendously good God Who invented parenting and He Himself is the best parent EVER! Every drop of that goodwill we have toward our kid, well it’s all from Him in the first place! And His goodwill toward our kid far eclipses ours! If He chooses to take someone “early”, He’s committing to give extra grace to handle that void. Yes, there will be an irreplaceable void, but He’s a Master at expanding a child’s capabilities in the midst of hard times. As they say, God is always good, ALL of the time.
Well, I hope you can avoidd my mistakes with overdoing it and under communicating with your kids. Praying for you now! I would love to know what you think so write back if you’d like.
*Do you know “The Two Ways to Get to Heaven“?
